familiarity

when you spend your life, stuck in the middle of a rut (like i am, right now), sometimes you get into a habit that you realize you need to break.

mine is not the familiar peanut butter and jelly sandwich that i eat every day for lunch, or the strawberry yogurt i have every morning for breakfast.

it's the fact that my neighborhood burger place knows me the minute i walk in the door.
that ends today.
it felt so shameful and wrong.

i know it's because i'm stuck. i have a job that, while it gives me something to do every day, is not what i want to do for the rest of my life. i'm in the middle of bar prep for the third (and most definitely final, if i have any say in it) time. because i'm in the middle of 'third time's the charm' bar prep, i haven't been able to go out and attempt to meet new people. so i spend my time in harrisburg, alone. with my thoughts when i'm not pouring over an outline.

and yes, i realize it's been a while, but you're now reading the blog of someone who is so deep in a rut that most nights it's just like 'eh, cereal for dinner?' - true story.

i haven't baked since christmas.

i did throw a completely kick ass bridal shower for my sister. and in two weeks, we will have a completely kick ass bachelorette party. so that will help. i hope.

but because i'm stuck, i kind of only have the past to look back on. and damn, have i started looking back. which sucks. because a year ago i was moving on and now i'm back in...i don't know. i miss it. i miss certain people.

and i go back and i read things and i...grrr... that's all. grr.

but, i'll be better. i'll be back and out of this rut as soon as the bar is over with. again. so i'll see you in august.

and hopefully, if i'm not out of the rut, i've at least stopped moping about certain people again.

moving on

i just ate the corner of a brownie for the first time in a year. hell, i just made brownies for the first time in a year.

seriously, there are few of you readers out there (well, probably only ms. j and ms. l) who will know what that means, but it means that i'm moving on.

not from this blog, of course, but from things that i've let get to me and hold me back in the past year, year and a half really.

i'd like to apologize, as well, for the lack of updates. taking the bar again is kind of a bitch. i can't wait to have a social life again. or just a social life in general.

but, i wanted everyone to know that i'm still alive, and have tons of stories and recipes and food to talk about, just not now.

i will say though that i'm doing good. i'm letting go. i've stopped getting that weird feeling in my stomach. i've gotten rid of people from my facebook feed. i've stopped internet stalking people. i've started really smiling again.

of course, i have other things to worry about and new stresses, but these are good stresses. including bridal shower planning. not just one bridal shower, but two. and finding a social life in a place i'm still not familiar with, and i still don't know anyone.

but you know what i can do again: eat the edges of brownies, enjoy chili, and revel in my extreme (and some say irrational) hatred of socks. and hope that someone will find those things about adorable.

thankfulness abounds

there is a week until thanksgiving. in case you did not know, thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. seriously. my favorite.

this year i'm picking up our turkey on the farm that it lived on.

i'm naming him hank, like on this weeks episode of "the new girl"

i am so excited that literally, my turkey this year is going to be farm to table. so freaking awesome.

i know, there are people out there that have "views" on eating animals. i'm perfectly ok with whatever views you have. it's like politics. i don't care, so long as you respect the fact that i will happily eat meat until  the day i die and not give two shits about anything but how absolutely fantastic it is.

sorry vegetarians and vegans.

last week my sister and her fiance moved in together, so i made them food so they didn't starve. i made f.b.i.l (future brother in law) some pizza dough. and i made the sister the cheesiest mac and cheese i have ever made. with bacon.

but now i'm looking forward to thanksgiving. and all that it entails. like turkey, and mashed potatoes, and sweet potatoes and green beans and my dad's stuffing and pie. lots and lots of pie. tons of pie. a plethora of pie.

and lots of alcohol.

lots and lots of alcohol.

the heart of the matter

a few weeks ago i realized that i was a weird mix of heart broken and angry. normally, these two things go together. there's always a bit of anger in heartbreak, but not for me.

i am one or the other. never both at the same time. and normally not in such an abnormally long period of time.

i move on. i don't regret. i think regret is pointless - you cannot go back in time and find that moment where things went wrong. you learn from it, you move on, you use what you learned the next time you use it.

except, when you've moved somewhere where you don't really know any one, you haven't gotten into a habit or found groups to meet kids your own age...you tend to focus on the past.

because somehow, as much as it hurts, it keeps you warm at night. not a happy comfortable sort of warm, but a warm where you live in the 'what ifs'

and trust me, there are a lot of 'what ifs'

so i've been trying to keep busy. so that i don't focus on the 'what if's' because those 'what if's' kill.

this weekend i stayed in harrisburg. i was thinking of going home to partake in my cousin's birthday party/a margarita tower. but i realized there would only be one other weekend in november where i'm at my own place and i need to straighten shit out so that when studying for the bar starts again i don't end up living in filth.

unlike last time, i'm not going to let daily stuff get swallowed up by studying. i'll find that balance i lacked. maybe it'll be easier too, since i'll be working. who knows.

at least i have a few more weeks of next studying.

next weekend my sister is moving out of my parent's house and in with the future brother in law. Neither can cook, and the future brother in law is a very picky eater. since i just so recently moved into my own place, and the sister says they have moving covered, and i have friday off, my mom and i are going to spend the day cooking for the two of them so that their first place together has some food.

i think i'm going to make pizza dough. if i don't make the dough, i'll at least make the sauce from scratch. i'm going to make the sister some delicious super cheesey mac and cheese that i perfected last week. i'm going to make some chicken tenders. i think i'll make some cookies. or brownies. or both.

right now though, i'm getting ready to head out to grab a bite. because i haven't been feeling well for oh...a month...and that's not just because i'm sad but also because i've had an awful cough and horrible sinus problems (i know, you so wanted to know all that).  and all i really want in the world right now is a hot dog. i cannot explain it, but i just really want a freaking hot dog. it's one of those cravings that i've had for DAYS, and expected to go away but it hasn't.

in fact, it's gotten stronger.

so i need to go get a hot dog tonight. at five guys. because that just sounds delicious.
along with french fries.

and really, as calming as cooking may be, there are a lot of fall back recipes of mine that i'm having a hard time even making because they remind me of little things that i miss.

and very honestly, it's the little things that hurt the most.

and as comforting as a pot of chili would be right now, i can't even think about it.

that i let something that hurts in retrospect make stop making chili is something i regret more than pretty much anything.

hopefully, one day soon, my heart will be ok with me making chili again. and eating the ends of brownies. and making ice cream again.

awaiting the snowpocolypse

apparently it's going to snow tomorrow. and not like a dusting - but i'm supposed to get hit with 3-6 inches of the fluffy white stuff. or 4-8, depending on who you ask.

in october.

the end of october, but still, october.

so for the first time i have the heat on...and i was trying to avoid putting the heat on but it's like 40 degrees outside.

but i did hit the grocery store. i braved it after work, which was absolutely insane. i mean, people were preparing for the end of days. i just wanted the essentials: bacon, cinnamon bread, chocolate, heavy cream, and cheese. lots and lots of cheese.

i have veggies, i have grapes, i have cupboards filled with stuff. i just needed the important things.

like chocolate.

for hot chocolate.
which i'm making tomorrow when it snows. because apparently it's going to snow all day? so i'm going to stay in my comfy warm apartment, clean, watch movies - maybe some mad men, contemplate life, and watch the snow fall.

in october.

seriously, in freaking october. half a foot. home...not 70 something miles away...an inch.

how'd i get so lucky.

i've been in a mood lately. it obviously stems from the whole 'not passing the bar' thing. and some other stuff.

so i figured i'd spend this weekend feeling miserable about life, and next weekend i'll be back in the game, kicking some serious ass.

but for now, i'm going to sit around, drink some hot chocolate, and sleep.

black velvet cupcakes up in this mother!

by now you know that i am completely obsessed with themes. and halloween.

and, if you remember, last halloween i had grand plans. GRAND PLANS. i emphasize the grandness of the plans because they were fabulous.

i wanted to make a black velvet cake. you know, red velvet but with black food dye.

but i could not find black food dye. anywhere. not enough to make a layer cake.

so i made a devil's food cake instead.

but this year...i found black food dye.

and tomorrow is my office halloween party. and i made black velvet cupcakes.

so delicious. one fell apart and i put delicious, delicious cream cheese frosting on it and ate it.

of course, i misjudged the fullness of the first batch, so had fewer cupcakes the second go round.

but still, they're awesome looking.

and i didn't have apple cider vinegar, which is what i usually use in my red velvet cakes, so it's not the same but they're still delicious.


not much else is going on, unfortunately.
except for the whole 'having to take the bar" again in february. i'm  trying to not let it get to me. it sucks, but i'll kick it's ass next time.

Cinnamon Honey Butter and Psychic Readings (Happy 100th Post!)

i have had a very busy weekend.

yesterday, the very darling ms. m1 flew in from dayton to baltimore (which is surprisingly close to harrisburg). her flight was supposed to get in at 1:34, so i headed down to baltimore around 11:45. I got there around 1. right about the time ms. m1 called to inform me that they had not taken off yet because of electrical problems.

i drove around the airport, looking for something to eat. because i was hungry. i found a bob evans. i have never been to bob evans. and they had breakfast all day. ALL DAY.
i am not the type of person who likes a heavy breakfast. i do like breakfast for lunch or for dinner.

so i got hotcakes. and bacon. and home fries. and read my book. and then, after lunch, when i realized there was nothing to do in this area until ms. m1's flight arrived (around 4:20, according to the airport website). so i parked, went in, and found a starbucks. a very large starbucks. i read my book. i bought magazines. i chatted with a very sweet old lady who talked about her "companion" who was coming in from dayton as well. he's 85.

finally, ms. m1 arrived.
we hit chick-fil-a on our way back up to harrisburg and immediately went to messiah college so we could go to the jacks mannequin concert. which was fantastic. they played 'dark blue' which is my favorite, so i was happy.

we went back to my apartment after, and had some wine and got a little silly.

this morning we got up and i made some biscuits (not homemade, i was too lazy) but then i made some honey cinnamon butter. like texas roadhouse. it was very simple. i took 6 tablespoons of butter, about a tablespoon of honey, and a couple dashes of cinnamon. then you mix it together. it was delicious on some warm biscuits.

then we got ready and headed down to gettysburg.

just in time for lunch at friendly's. and i have a serious honey bbq chicken supermelt addiction.
and ice cream addiction.

then we headed around gettysburg. we walked through the graveyard, then drove around the auto tour route, occasionally dancing around to laugh hysterically. it was awesome.

and then we stopped at a psychic, who was running a special. 10 dollars for a reading, 20 for tarot.

i went with tarot, and since ms. m1 has never been to a psychic before, she did what i had done. which probably wasn't what she wanted. she wanted the future. i wanted what the cards said.

i didn't have any expectations. she was skeptical.

and i think i have found my local psychic. i mean, she's not that local, but that's good. because if found a psychic right down the street from me i'd go all the time. every time i have a problem.

when they're good for a few times a year.

which is worth a drive down to gettysburg, which really isn't all that far away.

and now we're getting ready to head out to dinner.

tomorrow i drive her back down to baltimore, drive back up and than my mom and sister 1 are coming out and we're going to an orchard. and i'm going to get cider and apples and mums and pumpkins and awesome stuff. AWESOME STUFF.


also, this is my 100th post. i wish it were more exciting, but maybe that's ok.

because it involved a dear friend, fun adventures, and lots of laughter and food.

and that's what mollykakes is all about.

drowning in boxes (WHERE IS MY WATER BOTTLE!)

First - some blog news. I now have an email address associated solely with this blog. If you have any cooking questions, any suggestions on what i should write about and/or make next...or you just want to chat (i'm always happy to chat. about anything really.) you can reach me at mollykakes@comcast.net

second- hello dear friends, it's time to start blogging more often again! i apologize that in all the hecticness of graduating/bar/moving/doing nothing/moving again/starting work/going to football games/going home stuff i failed to update as often as i could.

but i'm going to start! it's my plan. i swear it.

so what's new?

besides the fact that I AM DROWNING IN BOXES?

nothing really. work has started and i'm really enjoying it. i like having something to do every day. they have holiday parties, so i'll get to make cupcakes and share them.

of course the problem with having so many boxes still (really, not that many now, but they're just all there. they need to be thrown out) is that some stuff is still not unpacked. like my water bottle. i have one of those fancy neoprene bottles and my office has a water cooler and damn it, i like using it. it's somewhere in one of my remaining boxes.

i come home from work and am too lazy to look through it. i just want to relax and read magazines and watch tv. and then go to bed at 11.

when did i get so old?

i also want to make rice pudding, but i haven't done that yet. i think i might do that friday night. that, and unpack.

last weekend i went home on saturday to hang out with the lovely ms. l who was in town for her mom's cyborg operation. that's what we're calling it and i'm going to stick with it. so we went shopping at the best mall ever, where i got some nail polish and when i hit williams sonoma two packs of cupcake stencils: halloween and star wars.

i am looking forward to using both.

oh, and my fozzie t-shirt. which is awesome. we got ms. j a thor shirt. and ms. l bought a shirt with a cat in 3-d glasses.

and then we drove back, picked up ms. j and returned to her 2nd job and had some pizza and shared a carafe of red wine. and then we hit the liquor store, bought a giant bottle of white wine, and headed back to my house and sat on the porch and chatted.

then i drove ms. l back home. and ms. j returned with me back to my house for a bit and we chatted some more.

the next morning i got up, had a sandwich, and drove back to harrisburg. i went grocery shopping at the walmart. it was like being back in ohio. except this one wasn't as nice as the one i went to in ohio, but it'll do. at least for cheap boxes of stuff.

it is nice being this close to home.

i have a real reason now to make sure i can make dairy free and vegan yummies! BECAUSE FRIENDS ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO VISIT

so to recap:
i've moved,
i'm unpacking,
i saw my friends and drank some wine,
there is an email address for this blog: mollykakes@comcast.net
i can't find my water bottle
and finally:
i want some fucking rice pudding.

starting over again

I would like to apologize, that last post was not the 99th post because i had a draft that was being counted. a draft of an awful entry that i was not subjecting anyone to.
so i deleted it.
then i realized that this wasn't even the 99th post, but the 98th. so i feel a little bit stupid

i am living in a new town. in a new apartment. with a new kitchen. with new grocery stores to explore. and super close distance to both gorcery stores, targets, and a.c. moores.

i realize that it's been a while. nearly a month. and before that was the insanity of the bar and so you haven't heard much from me at all.

i have grand plans for this new kitchen, this new town, this new start.

because that's what it is.

as much as i'm currently backsliding (thank you how i met your mother for that term) and then moving forward and backsliding again into one thing...i'm so ready for the next. i'm so ready for the next move. the next adventure, the next start.

memories are one thing. and i will hold my law school memories, adventures and friends with the highest regard. because i learned to be me there. i was just me. i wasn't pretending to be anything or anyone else.

i entertained, i made baked goods, i drank, i talked (a lot), i flirted, i laughed, i did stupid things, i did awesome things.

i want to do all those things here. in my new town, with new friends. and some of the old ones mixed in. because goodness knows i'm not getting rid of any of those.

of course, this starting over thing is going to involve a lot of changes. because if you hadn't realized from reading this blog, i'm a bit of a mess. in a lot of ways. and i let a lot of things get out of control while studying for the bar.

my eating habits, for one thing.

i like baking, i like cooking for others, i like doing all that stuff. i'm not going to stop. because that's so much a part of who i am. and not in a bad way.

it's just that i need to learn balance.

i had that.

and then it all went to hell. for serious. personal life stress x finals and graduation stress x the bar x 10 ended up throwing what little balance (and the 20 pounds i had lost) away on reese's peanut butter cups, caramellos, and cookies. lots and lots of cookies. ooh, and pasta.

i'm not saying it wasn't delicious. because it was.

it was just too much.

that needs to change.

there needs to be a balance in my life. something that has been lacking.

so it's back to weight watchers full time. it's attempting to keep the baking to special occasions only.

and it's time to work on me. again.

but this time, i think i'd like to work on me with someone else. because i've done most of the "me" work on my own.

i'd like to see how it works out with someone else this time.

it's like i've been a piece of chocolate cake all this time. all i really need is some peanut butter frosting.

and then it'll be perfect.

so i hope you all stick with me on this journey. new place, new town, new adventure...possibly a brand new mollykakes.

things that only happen once

we were talking about memory tonight.
i can remember the details about everything.

without even looking back at last years entry, i can tell you exactly what i was doing.
i had a friend who needed advice, it was my mom's birthday, i opened a bottle of wine and drank the entire thing and vented on the phone to ms. j and then ms. l about stupid people who i hadn't met and HOW DARE THEY. and i was angry, and i was sad, and all i wanted was a brownie and that friend who needed my advice was given the last one. so i think i had dark chocolate instead

and then i spent the next couple days just angry. and i was really good at hiding the fact that i was angry. it was one of those moments where i think a little bit of me should have been mad for me. but i wasn't. i was mad for someone else. i was upset for someone else.

and today, while i was driving around, i was thinking about things that happen only once. whether they're moments or really fantastic meals that i will never have again. somethings you know you only get once and then it's going to have to end.

i spent this entire summer getting used to that idea. i should have known then, a year ago, that what i felt was not going to last. that anger? that's still there, just in a different form.  - but that moment that i thought...well...that was going to end. it was always going to end. and it sucks. but at least i know that.

just like all my amazing meals in paris.
we were talking about it tonight. like the time in loire valley where i had a great steak and the chef came out and greeted us, holding her dog. and how when we got back to the chateau we were staying at (yes, i know, i live a charmed life) my mom, dad, and i sat on the patio drinking a delicious bottle of wine (i was 16, it was legal there, and it was freaking awesome) that cost about 3 dollars.

or the place we went after versailles, and i had a chicken sandwich that was fantastic, fries, and a strawberry tarte.

or the waffle place in beligum by mannequin pis (it's a statute/fountain of a little boy peeing). delicious waffles covered in a rich chocolate sauce.

that was a once in a lifetime family trip, filled with amazing meals that cannot be repeated.

and this year?
this whole year since my drunken post followed by the creation of terrible vision brownies...
i really hope it doesn't get repeated.

it's been a bitch of a year.

there have been the good things: the laughter, the friends, the cooking, the brownies, family, graduation....those things have been great.

but then there's been stress and nerves and tears and broken hearts and more tears and stress on top of more stress followed by the bar.

i'm ready for what this next year will bring. i realize it's not new years, but last year around this time? it was the start of something else for me. my last year of law school and something else that i still fail to put into words. but i miss it. because no matter how it ended or how i felt, it was still worth it.

i'm nearly ready to move to a new place, but this time for good.
i'm nearly ready to start my career.
i'm nearly ready to break in another kitchen. to venture to new restaurants. to meet new friends and people.

i'm ready to move out of my parents house (even if it has only been a little over a week) and back into my own place.

i'm ready for the next adventure.

and i hope there's cake.

saying goodbye to an era (and hello to a new one)

the bar is over with.
i don't have to study anymore.

instead i'm sitting my my apartment in datyon, surrounded by boxes. packing up.

i've lived here for two years. which is the longest i've lived anywhere by myself since reaching adult hood. i had an "apartment" in undergrad, but with 3 other girls. and my boston apartment, but that was for 9 months.

this has been mine for 2 years.

i've hosted dinner parties, halloween parties, oscar parties here. i've watched movies here with my friends. i've spent countless hours studying on this couch. i decorated it. i baked my first awesome layer cake here. i baked my first red velvet cupcakes here.

it was the place to be during law school. i had people over here all the time. mainly because i was the only one without an animal, and the only one with allergies, so it just made life easier. and i didn't feel like anyone went to a lot of trouble for me.

i will be moving home, but only for a few weeks. it's looking like i'm moving to harrisburg. which is a brand new adventure in and of itself. and i'll have a new apartment. and new friends to entertain. and old friends to entertain as well, since i'll only be about 1.5 hours from home. and close to family still! (just a different branch of the family)

its a little surreal to think of it. i'm done with law school. i just took the bar. i had an interview and was possibly offered a job (my dad tells me i was, so i'm taking his word for it - he's been acting as my agent in this whole 'find mollykakes a job thing')

i'm leaving dayton though in less than a week.
i'm leaving friends, family, and a 3 1/2 year old that i'm completely nuts about (seriously. i love that kid)
i'm leaving what i've gotten used to. what is comfortable. i'm leaving a life that i built for myself that i really freaking like.

yes. there have been challenges and i've been homesick and i've been heartbroken and i ate an insane amount of not good for me food - but my aunts always been a five minute drive away. i've always had ms. m1 available for lunches to vent and to rant and to chat and to laugh. until may i had everyone else too. but i've already said goodbye to them.

now i just have to say goodbye to here.

and hello to a new adventure.
in a new town with new people and seasonal amish produce (seriously, i'm totally challenging myself to only seasonal cooking...except maybe frozen strawberries. i love strawberries too much not to have them around at all times)
and a new job.
and new challenges.
and nuclear engineers to meet and make fall in love with me.

so, in a few days, when i'm technically on my pre-job vacation, i'll fill you all in on my pre and post bar adventures in food (trust me, some of it was delicious!)

but for now, i'm packing up and getting ready for the move.
i'm going to miss it here, more than i even let myself think i will. if that makes any sense.

sorry...

sorry for the lack of entries.

bar prep is kind of kicking my ass. i haven't even had time to cook, really.
which is the opposite of what i thought it was going to be. i thought i'd be cooking a lot.

but, alas, nothing. no baking, no cooking, just lots of stressing out.

don't worry, i'll be back, but probably not until august. this "bar prep" thing has taken over.

unless i get really stressed out and go on a baking spree, then i'll let you all know.

until then...enjoy baked goods for me.

best friends are the best

i needed to go home. i mean, not only did i buy NKOTBSB concert tickets without realizing that "oh shit, i'll be at the beginning of bar prep, is this really an effective use of my time?" (trust me when i say it most definitely is. but i've been kind of miserable and stressed out and i just needed to get the best friend gang back together for at least one night of cheering me up, drinking, and pizza.

and another night of mexican food and x-men first class. because we are fantastic.

i drove home on wednesday, and got a chicken cheesesteak. i love chicken cheesesteaks. philadelphia is super awesome and has the best cheesesteaks, but i'm really partial to chicken cheesesteaks. i feel like because it's not red meat, i can get away with eating them more often. and also, when i want a cheesesteak i want jims or genos. local places don't use cheese whiz, which is the best invention ever.

and then on thursday i got some cannoli from testas for lunch, and then at 7 ms. j, ms. l (who is in from montreal) and mr. c met up at marrones for dinner. there we made a storyboard for the song that i'm currently writing. it's a country western song, it's a about broken hearts, house hold appliances, and probably has a lot of references to cake.

because cake is delicious. and soothes the broken heart, along with chocolate and referring to people as "fucktards."

then we split up briefly. mr. c and ms. l bought beer and construction paper and glitter glue.
ms. j and i bought a snack for me at wawa (best place in the world.)

when we got back to my house we made storyboards of all our awesome memories together. we realized that i went back to being sad at the end when mr. c's was a reference to something that the night was not supposed to be about.
we also had more wine and beer.

then friday i had a wawa hot dog for lunch (i am a creature of habit when it comes to my visits home) and then ms. j, ms. l and i went to santa fe burrito in wynnewood and had dinner.

then we headed to see x-men first class.

i'm a nerd, i think we all know this. i'm kind of obsessed with x-men. i watched the cartoon all the time when i was little. when i would hang out in the graphic novel section of borders when i worked there, i would always flip through batman or x-men.  so seeing this movie with people who love me for that nerdiness (and have loved me for years and years now) was awesome.

also, james mcavoy is super attractive AND i want a time machine to live in the 60s. and i wish history actually happened like that.

today i went out with my mom and my sister and nearly bought a ton of stuff at home goods that i didn't need, but they were rational and talked me out of it. despite the fact that it all matched and was pink and flowery. my dad went to south philly in the morning and came back bearing sarcone's bread (which is the best in the city, seriously) and isgro's cannoli which i hadn't had but like a lot more than termini brothers (i know, scandal!)

so i had a meatball sandwich for dinner on sarcones bread and i just want to go back to living on the east coast full time now instead of going back to the midwest.
and then i realize how hard it's been for me to concentrate on studying, which i have to do in order to get a job and whatnot - so, i should probably head back to the land of chain restaurants as planned

tomorrow night i'm reliving some of my teenybopper days with one of my oldest friends (seriously, since we were 8) and another friend from high school. we're going to see NKOTBSB. but first we're going to the oakmont pub for dinner. early, at like, old lady time, but it works.

and i'm going to scream and dance my heart out like it's no one's business.

because i needed this, more than i'd like to admit. after last friday, when i just sort of crumpled (actually, some of it happened on wednesday night, and then friday i just deflated when i realized...well, this is primarily a food blog, so i won't get into it here), i knew that i needed to be home. also, i promised ms. j i would stop being so sad and so far away from her. and i keep promises.

i needed people who get me and who can tell me point blank what my problem is and then come up with awesome ways to solve it. that include music videos and wishing there was still a sit down dairy queen and that all three of us could still eat ice cream (i'm the only one who can still eat ice cream)

or that i still drove the van morrison and we could go airborn, like we did that one time (while, actually, rushing to see x-men: the last stand at the movies).

or that high school crushes didn't hurt so much as failed everything in life (i've had a pretty decent streak of 5 years of bad choices, despite spending so much time on figuring out what i want. it turns out what i thought i wanted wasn't what i wanted any way).

i turn 26 in 5 days.

i'm kind of freaking out. it might be worse than last year's 25th birthday freak out too.

but i'll get to that later in the week.

i just want to state that i'm super lucky to have those friends in my life who read me like a book. and that can make really pretty story boards about our adventures.

not just here in PA, but also elsewhere.

now i'm going to go to bed, so i can get up tomorrow morning and do stuff before the concert.

new cookbook's make me happy

it's been a bad couple of days. and by bad couple of days i mean i've been studying my ass off for the bar.

but on thursday, right when it was supposed to arrive, my Big Girls, Small Kitchen cookbook arrived. i brought it over with me to my aunts so i can flip through it peacefully. without feeling guilty over not studying (like i am now, writing this entry, but whatever)

i love it because it has a few dairy free recipes in there, which is great, since we all know the best friend is dairy free now. and the lovely ms. l is a vegan.

i haven't been able to tab the hell out of it like i want to, but i can tell you this: it's going to get me through bar study.

mainly the pasta and pancake recipes, but still, that's better than nothing right?

dealing with heartbreak

tonight was the last big dinner my little group of law school friends will ever have together. we went to thai 9. i had a half baked chicken with a hot sauce - a 5, and i should have gone with a 6.

we laughed, we joked, we talked...we headed back to my apartment for cake.

i'm going to make this short, because honestly, i don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to hold it in. and i probably should back away from the computer before i go into the ugly cry.

i love every single one of you. i'm going to miss you all more than words can say. i realize that we're all leaving in stages, and this is just the first stage, but it might be the most significant.

my first friends at law school were dr. j, ms. m1, and mr. g. we were in pretty much the same classes, and we sat next to each other. we spent our breaks together. the first dinner we ever had was at mr. and mrs. g's house, where we met mrs. g and mr. g made fajitas.

i love these people.
i wasn't joking tonight when i said i had 4 really good friends in high school. i had friends, i hung out with tons of people - but i had 4 people i could count on for everything. 3 of them, blessidly, are still in my life.

when i went to undergrad (my first one) i met a few new people, and over the years i've lost touch with them and i regret that immensely. i mean, i'm not one to live in regret, because i think its pointless, but that's one of my big regrets in life. losing touch with them.

at my second undergrad, i kind of retreated into myself. why bother, i thought, i'd just lose touch with them too. it's where i learned my love of baking, and my need to keep things neat and orderly. and then i went a little nuts for a bit. i did things that were totally not me (which involved

i realized that my family was important to me. it was more important to me than i knew. not just the family i had, but the family that i chose.  i realized i had to take care of myself, and work on the relationships that i already had.

and then i went to law school. i was nervous. i was afraid. i was convinced no one would like me. but i found you all. and for the past three years we've been through the craziness of the ups and downs of law school. i wouldn't have made it through without you all.

i think of all the firsts: the first roast chicken i ever made (for christmas), the first dinner in my apartment, the first good layer cake i ever made, my first awesome halloween party, the first wedding of a friend i've ever attended. some of them have seen me cry. some of them know my deep dark secrets. all of them like my brownies.

these people have been my life line. and saying goodbye is freaking killing me. i surprisingly made it through dinner and dessert tonight without completely losing it. that surprised me.

so let me say my goodbyes (for now, because we all know i'm the nerd herd's alumni director and that is a job i'm going to take seriously - i'm looking at you dr. j - not even travelling with a back pack and not having a permanent address isn't going to stop me. seriously, invisible talons.)

ms. d: for listening, for psychoanalyzing me when i needed it.

ms. m2: for cartwheels in england, for a day at harrods and mamma mia.

mr. m: for use of a lighter, for laughter, for letting me get away with punching you.

grabes: i don't have a big brother, i have you. this is this nicest thing i will ever say to you, by the way.

mr. r: for being the kindest person i have ever met. i think probably the kindest person any of us have ever met.

mr. a: for being the only other person i know that can probably name who's in what movie and where someone is from on tv. i think you may be my real scene it competition

ms. o'd: for everything you've done for the school, for laughter, for your very enviable wardrobe

mr. o'd: for not letting your wife in on the surprise, for putting up with me when ms. m2 and i were planning, for your calm presence

mr. s: for putting up with all of us, for your humor, for me being able to steal your girlfriend any time i need a girls night.

mrs. g: i've said it before and i'll say it again, for putting up with all of us as usually the non law school student in the group. for your kindness and your caring.

mr. g: for the sarcasm, for the laughter, for your humor, kindness and caring. for sitting bitch all the way to the aquarium and back. for putting up with TLC's bridal marathons.

dr. j: for long car rides, for awful, pitchy versions of usher's 'burn' (which i will never be able to listen to again without laughing), for ice cream, for introducing me to 'fanboys,' for movie nights, for listening, for conversations we'll never have, for finding my squimishness amusing, for everything good, bad, and awesome. seriously, for everything.

ms. m1: for masque, for halloween parties, for concerts, for listening to me bitch, for girls nights out (very early), for lunches at doubledays, for england, for paris, for dragging me to the catacombs, for jungle jims, for everything. you are honestly one of the best friends a girl can have.


these are the things i needed you to know as we say goodbye.

i'll get back to my regularly scheduled updating as soon as possible (there's half an entry here somewhere about graduation ms. l, i swear it. and pictures!) especially now that i'm really sad and will bake to get over the sadness.

tomorrow: cookies.

proud mamma to a food baby (why it's awesome to be home)

i saw my best friend today for the first time in 2 months. now, in our lives we have gone longer than that without seeing each other (mainly due to law school and undergrad commitments) - and we're really not all that chatty. a few texts a week (mainly me, in a panic over something incredibly stupid) and the occasional phone call.

i think that's because we save up all conversation for when we're together. because we talk. and we talk a lot.

yesterday, i drove home to the philadelphia area with my mom. she drove most of the way, and i ate a lot of candy and a lot of diet soda and a giant starbucks iced coffee. this is how i generally spend 9 hours in the car, because really, there's not much else to do and it's kind of hard to eat a salad while driving. or even munch on veggies. candy bars are easier. (that is my logic, just go with it people).

when we arrived home my dad had a pot roast ready. along with rolls for sandwiches and french fries and best yet - cheese whiz. a jar of it. so we could have homemade cheese fries the way cheese fries are meant to be. with cheese wiz.

today i woke up and went to wawa and got a hot dog. and then i headed to the verizon store and got a new cell phone. i went with the iphone because i'm cool like that. one of the first things i did was download the epicurious app. i'm going to get so much use out of that it's ridiculous.

and then i sat around and waited for about 6:20 to roll around so i could head over to ms. j's and pick her up.

we went to marrones. she had the spaghetti, i had a small pizza. we split a half carafe of the pinot noir. i ate the entire small pizza.

can i tell you about marrones pizza? if you're not from my hometown, then you might not know about marrones. it's delicious. a crispy but airy crust. delicious cheese. sauce on top. then i cover it with oregano. it's like heaven. i'd like it to be served in heaven, that's how much i love their pizza. my ideal last meal might be a marrones pizza, extra sauce.

i am sitting here though at 1 am, hours after eating said pizza, still nursing my food baby. and still going over best friend conversations.

out of all my friends, ms. j knows me best. she does a freaking mind read thing occasionally and does give me some of my best advice. she pushes me when i need to be pushed and knows that i'm an exceptionally good driver even when i'm sobbing hysterically. (oh high school, i do not miss you).

we talked about a lot tonight. we talked about her wedding (my obsession with planning her wedding has gone into hyper mode. i threw out like 12 different suggestions tonight, including the fact that i want sunflowers and i want to wear them in my hair - since i'm obviously going to be a member of the wedding party.) i volunteered to eat a lot of cake. we talked about what life is now like since i'm a law school graduate. we talked about the ceremony, and i described the look of surprise on dr. j's face when my mom hugged and kissed him randomly (i swear, if she had seen all my friends she would have done the same exact thing to every single one of them. that woman is handsy) we talked about how i might need to fight for something that i want.

which i put off. often. i'm good for fighting for other people. not so good at fighting for myself.
i might have teared up a few times in the car while she was giving me advice about life. and then i came home, i watched NCIS:LA and The Voice with my parents before heading up to my room to watch GLEE and reflect.

and to let the food baby gestate. let's make this very clear. i can no longer eat a small pizza by myself. good to know i have limits.

easter, birthdays, and nothing to do.

i've been in a pretty good mood for the past week, doing absolutely nothing. i mean it. i've done close to nothing. i've read a lot. i've spent a few mornings sleeping until 12:30. i've read the entire 'hunger games' trilogy.

on saturday night i did a lot of baking while watching 'the ten commandments.' i made a tart for my family (who i was not spending easter dinner with), the yellow butter cakes for my easter cake, and the ganache eggs for the decoration. i was covered in flour and chocolate. it was beautiful.

sunday morning i woke up early, got ready for church, decorated the tart with strawberries, and headed over to my aunt and uncles. we met up with my cousins and their babies and husbands at church, and after church the monster came with us back to my aunts house. we had brunch - a delicious french toast cassarole (there was also some eggs, but i'm not too fond of eggs). there was bacon, of course, because who doesn't have bacon with breakfast? besides vegetarians and vegans. no one else, that's who. if you don't like bacon, you're weird.

then i headed back to my apartment, where i decorated my cake, i cleaned, and i put the potatoes in the oven and waited.

dinner was delightful. i got a honey baked ham. ms. d brought dill dip as an appetizer. the g's brought a salad. dr. j showed up. i made some green beans with a lemon vinagarette. and some roasted baby new potatoes with lemon and oregano (obviously i was going for a greek theme with the veggies). for dessert there was the cake. we laughed, we ate, we ended up playing 'loaded questions' which was awesome. everyone left around 10:30ish. maybe 11. eventually, i headed to bed.

monday i woke up at 12:30. i did little. i read books. i thought about updating this blog and didn't. i ate a ganache egg. i ate left overs. very exciting.

tuesday i headed over to my aunts to do my laundry. i hung out with the monster and the baby bean. my aunt and i started talking about planning the open house. this week i'll be heading over to go do stuff to prepare for it with her. she complimented my tart making skills.

wednesday i woke up at 12:30. i did little. i read books. i thought about updating this blog and didn't. i ate some ice cream. i made mac and cheese. it was all very exciting.

thursday i did the same thing. except i didn't. i went out and got stuff to make pies, and i made two pies before and after crying my outs out watching steve carrell's last episode of 'the office'. i made a strawberry ice box pie and a chocolate cream pie.

friday i woke up and got ready. i put in contacts. i went to target and bought a cute pair of sunglasses. i made whipped cream. dr. j met me outside of my apartment and we headed over to mr. m's house for his 30th birthday party. i brought pies. i had quite a few vodka and cranberries and a few sips of scotch. grabes entertained us all by playing youtube dj - we watched donald trump's roast. and then he just entertained us with stories. mr. g brought corn pudding, which is seriously the best thing ever. mr. m, despite it being his birthday, bbq'ed for us. i had a cheeseburger and a hot dog, because seriously? i wanted both. i ate a lot of potato chips. i also had some cheesy potatoes that ms. m2 brought with her. i would have had the deviled eggs that ms. m1 brought but i really hate eggs on their own. and mayonaisse. and both are in deviled eggs traditionally (especially the egg party).

it doesn't matter - scrambled, deviled, fried, sunny side up, hard-boiled, soft boiled, in an omlette or stratta - i do not like eggs.

we made plans. as the cruise director of my friends, we decided to go to the zoo on sunday. tonight ms. m2 made chicken marsala, which was delicious. i made an apple crostada. i will never be as neat as martha stewart. it didn't look as pretty as the one in my cookbook, but it tasted delicious. we watched mythbusters and the royal wedding highlights from bbc america. as entertaining as mythbusters is, i'd rather watch royal wedding.

now i'm just relaxing, thinking about sleeping, but let's be honest, that's not happening soon. but i'll be up tomorrow early and heading to either the zoo or the aquarium, should the weather be shitty.

i wonder where we'll go to lunch?

over priced ice cream is over priced.

this is my 90th post. it's also my first post completely free of law school burdens.
that's right people, as of 11:00 today, when i handed in my last final, i'm done with law school. i have graduation in a couple of weeks, and then the bar, but i'm done.

to celebrate i did the following: went to the salon, got my hair done followed by a massage. and then i went to smashburger.
normally you're supposed to follow a spa day with water and light food.
i ate a bacon cheeseburger and smash fries. and diet soda.

then i stopped at dorothy lane market and picked up the following: triple sec, mango sorbet, strawberry sorbet, and jeni's dark chocolate ice cream. i already had the tequila at home.

i waited a bit before pouring some tequila and triple sec into a glass and then spooning in as much mango sorbet it could hold. it was pretty good. the sorbet was a little too sweet to make it a really good margarita (i may have also been missing some lime juice, but oh well) but it worked. it was a good celebration drink. and then i switched back to diet soda because i have grand plans of getting up tomorrow and going to jungle jims with ms. m1.

then i waited until community was on to break out the jeni's dark chocolate ice cream. it was delicious. it was rich. it was completely over priced. i was thinking for a $10 pint of ice cream, it was going to be fantastic. it was ok. i thought it was good celebration ice cream. a special occasion ice cream. maybe i should have gone with the salted caramel.

or maybe i should have bought my favorite: chocolate chocolate chip from hagan daaz. but i have a weakness for dark chocolate ice cream. i just have a weakness for dark chocolate really.

it was so rich though i just needed a few bites of the ice cream.


it was a delicious celebration though.


i've spent the rest of the night wondering what to do with myself now that i have no class to keep me occupied. no school, no looming homework or exams. just lots of free time.

and planning a graduation soiree.

margarita's anyone?

happy 1 year anniversary blog! thank you for being such an excellent outlet for stress!
and thank you dear readers for sticking with me during this!

i took my first final this morning. i came home, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and attempted to take a nap. i was unsuccessful. instead, i tried to figure out what i wanted to do for dinner instead, because there was no way i was cooking.

last night i made baked gnocchi with homemade sauce (the gnocchi was store bought, because i am not that awesome yet) and decided that i did not want to cook tonight.

so i made up my mind and i'm going for mexican. no one got back to me about going out tonight, so instead i'm treating myself to mexican. i'll bring a book, i'll people watch...i don't mind going out to eat by myself. in fact, i kind of enjoy it. it's not an all the time type of thing, but an every once and while thing. like tonight.

also, it gets me away from my apartment, which i'm sort of trapped in while i study. i go outside in the daylight hours to run errands, but normally only for an hour, an hour 1/2 tops, so that i can continue studying.

i need a margarita, can't you tell?

so let me recap for you. last year around this time (actually, later in the evening, but same thing) i wrote this:  "so let me introduce myself: i'm nearly 25 (guh!), and nearly finished my second year of law school (thank god!). i bake for my friends, to relax, and because i like all things yummy and delicious. dessert, specifically anything chocolate based, is a major weakness of mine. other people have alcohol and drugs - i have sugary substances. also, dancing around - but i don't see how a blog about that would, in anyway be interesting. unless i had pictures, which would just be difficult to pull off."


i am now officially 25, and nearly 26 (eek!). I am nearly done my final year of law school. this year i have baked a lot for friends, made up a brownie recipe as well as a cupcake recipe. i still like all things chocolate. i've also made creme brulee and successfully made bread and a layer cake. i'm still dancing around my apartment.


there are still things i'd like to do:
i'd like to return to apple tarts (just this time without the mandolin). i'd also like to come up with my own ice cream recipe - this time from scratch. i want to make more cupcakes, i want to make pies. i want to expand my cooking ability - not just baking but main courses too. i want to make biscuits from scratch for easter.

i also want a job, a boyfriend, and to pass the pennsylvania bar. also, to not gain 300 pounds due to stress eating. (i will balance this by the dancing in my apartment and by going to the gym now that i'll have my own schedule as to when i can study and what not.)

this year has been crazy. thanks for sticking with me. and please comment. 

(almost) the end of the era

today was my last day of law school classes. ever. as much as i like to say that i'm never going to be back in school, i feel like years from now (decades really, once my future - and so far imaginary - children are in school) i'll maybe go back and get my masters in english literature.

or maybe i'll take cooking classes in my free time? because i'll have free time, once the bar is finished and once i get a job and settle down somewhere, i'll take some classes for fun. what a novel idea. fun.

my mom got a little teary once i called her and told her i was finished with my last class.
i was excited and wanted to get to the bar. where i had a celebratory margarita. and celebratory onion petals.

i celebrated my last day of law school classes with my first (and closest) friends here. ms. m1, dr. j, and mr. g - who i had (nearly) every class with my first year. and ms. m2 and ms. d, who were in the other section but we saw while sitting down in the basement.

i am not going to miss school. i'm not going to miss homework. i'm not going to miss lectures. i've been in school for straight 8 years (minus a few months of babysitting after i graduated from undergrad - but i was still doing school work...elementary and middle school work but still...). i actually cannot wait to be doing something other than school work.

to celebrate i bought martha stewart's new baking book that is based solely on pies and tarts.
yes, this is how i'm going to deal with stress in the upcoming days, weeks and months.

i am not good with goodbyes. i am not good with change. i tend to freak out. and there is a lot going on. people are leaving in may and heading their own way. i leave here in august. and i have a very very tentative plan right now. it's kind of like a hope of a plan.

and i've been kind of on edge the past couple of weeks. because of all the insanity going on, all the stress. i'm overly sensitive about a lot of things right now.

i'm also exisiting on peanut butter cups. and criminal minds repeats.

but there are massive pre-final, pre-graduation plans taking shape. which is great because i feel most useful when either feeding people or planning things. and right now i have plans for both.

and i swear there will actually be pictures taken this time, because i want photographic evidence.

i'm going to be off grid for a couple of days - i'm insane and am going to take all 3 of my finals by thursday (going with a saturday, tuesday, thursday) schedule, so that i can be done with law school work as soon as humanly possible.

in that time i will also be baking a ton. i will probably also update quickly on the 16th, which is the year anniversary of this blog. (which is crazy)

and if anyone hears someone screaming from the southwest area of the greater dayton area, don't worry, that's just me. and i've run out of peanut butter cups and my sanity.